My Own Notes from the Underground: Defying Anxiety, Anger, and Depression 08 Dec 2020
Tonight I am completing a day. Sunday went okay…made it to Church on time, and Saturday, I was 30 minutes late. Was already, dressed with coat on and keys in the pocket…afraid to leave the safety of my little apartment/art studio, with an emphasis on studio. Finally I left… facing the wrath…. Made it through, kept the tears back, managed to smile, and recognize one word from a hymn I’m trying to learn in Russian. Progress. I’m getting the prokeimenons down for the 8 tones we repeat, cyclicly. Now I think it is time to move on to memorizing the Troparions and the Kontakions. Monday, Started “the Routine” which gets me into a schedule where I can complete Art Projects and Tasks that keep me busy, and moving forward, such as taking the Hillsdale Free Online Course on K-12 education. Some of this stuff I have been exposed to via my godfather, who was doing a study on the philosopher John Dewey, when I became baptised into the Church. They mention John Dewey.
Sunday I got to the scales, Segovia scales and realised that I actually learnt them…I can move through them more smoothly now, and that is a good thing. I guess. I’m self taught so it makes it harder for me…how to apply. Learning the traditional Greensleeves, and I want to incorporate that into my modern flamenco arrangement of it.
Art Project: So I am thinking about the underpainting for this piece: and watched this video:
(I have to admit that this is entertainment for artists types…but I like how he uses yellow and then purple, which are complementary. For my acrylic project I think I’m going to go with this, but for my oil project I’m going to explore the Zorn palette.
Music: Scales: Did them. Working on a country western song, written by Keith Whitley. Goal: to do Segovia scales every morning as part of the morning ritual…at night will work on one song and one classical piece, that is all I have time for tonight. Once I have them memorized, move on to other technical skills I want to learn. In the evening, end the day with learning a folk song and a classical piece.
Art Prints: Making Thumbnails for Art Print project, will continue with that tomorrow.
Reading Today: Time and Despondency_Reclaiming the Present in Faith and Life by Nicole Roccas.
“Beneath the many symptoms, Evagrius believed despondency arises from desire and anger—anger toward what is present, desire for what is not. Out of this two-pronged dissatisfaction comes a lack of care, a total apathy and indifference. Yet I think we could also say that there is something more primary than desire and anger at stake: pain. Anger is a covering for our pain; we stop caring when we are wounded by the laceration of exicstance—whether that comes in the form of sadness, fear, diappointment, or shame. The human condition—the condition of bearing theimage of God in a world of brokenness—could be summed up as learning to live (and love) in the midst of pain, learning to dwell where there is shame, toil and adversity.
“Such a way of being does not come naturally; we instinctively minimize hurt and conceal our shame. The first thing Adam and Eve did after eating of the tree of knowledge of good and evil was to cover themselves. This tendency to avoid the reality of pain has filtered down even to the muscular and molecular level—our bodies readily sink into poor posture to sidestep the sting of sitting up straight, and over time our muscles grow weak and loose from ill use. Such is thecase in our souls, too—when our minds abandon the pain of caring, our spiritual tendons grow slack. We lose the capacity to focus, behold, encounter and love, which likewise provokes a toxic kind of emptiness—a vacuum that attracts all manner of distraction, restlessness, rumination, anxiety, fear, and lethargy.” So that’s the reading.
Anyway, Thus Ends my Notes for Today. May God Grant You All A Fruitful Day in the Lord.